Part One: Feeling

Hi Everyone,
This weeks blog is…well it’s me. πŸ™‚ True to form there’s a lovely long impression after the poem. As always it’s optional. What matters is that you get something out of being here.

With that onwards and my best wishes to all for a lovely week ahead.
Tikarma.
xxxx

Ace Of Swords

Part One: Feelings

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Black and still

Consciousness fades with each hour.

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Note books forsaken in their heaps and their mounds

Pens are retracted

Pencils left un-sharpened

As darkness takes hold of the mind

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Eyes scream at the day light

Ears deafened by the softest sound

The body coiled in defensive poses

Vulnerable and sacrified.

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Tears fall

For an end to it all.

The reign of anxiety and fears…

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…Knowing

I am not enough

To make life worth the effort.

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And too many words echo and shout…

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…I think too much

Talk too much

Ultimately just fuck it up.

Try too hard to make right on wrongs that have no leanings,

They are just what they are

Part of life’s wheel turning.

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The tongue refuse to speak

The mouth is too pained to moved an inch

The mind unable to explain the pain,

Consciousness strains so hard to think.

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As daylight spills through the clouds…

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…I am weak, no courage left in me

I only crave sleep.

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Tears

To make it right while wondering why I always come out wrong

Like good intentions come unstrung

And strewn across the floor.

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I am left knowing there is no out.

Yet a door exists somewhere I know

Where there’s the answer to another me.

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20 cups of coffee

Still 3 hours ’till 5

I have moved from percolator to table

For today that’s my exercise.

Just one more cup,

Then I’ll get up…

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…But pages remain empty

Paint is left to crack

As my chest burns its agony

Leaving me sprawled upon my back.

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Until nightfall comes round again

Then maybe I can make amends?

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Footfalls across a 2:30am kitchen floor

Now the mind awakes

Sitting in theΒ  chill

To ease self destructions addictive pull.

The mind alights on the root of my problem…

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Having clung so tightly for reality’s sake

I pushed out wonder

Scared away the child’s escape…

.

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Β© 2013 Tikarma Vodicka

 

Poetical Impressions, Where I’m at through ‘Step One: Feeling’. Monday January 7th 2013.

Whew! That was not easy to do. I have the inclination to be Miss Sunshine. I’m fine!Β  πŸ™‚ And I am…now…I am okay. But for a while I wasn’t and this is where I’m at. Looking back, with clarity and a clear objective view at what the last 4 months have meant to me. Ultimately, for me.

There are many kinds of depression. Too many to list. All of us at some point experience a level of depression. Whether in the form of loss or grief or the more deeper painful levels that seem to defying explanation. Your life is fine, why so down?

The depression I experienced was not the black dog hounding me, but the beast I came to call Leviathan who chains you to the ground.

Despite my efforts I reached a point where I could no longer think. The light was painful, my body hurt and every noise was a painful screeching in my ears.

It’s a horrid place to be. It is the space of raw despair, which leaves you wondering why you’re alive. Most of the time you just are. Half comatose and un-thinking.

I have lived many years now in a manic-depressive state. The depression was a creative space though. I have written some lovely (I think) poems, bright and hopeful in that state and I have painted with a determination to learn, grow and share.

This depression I’ve not experiencedΒ since I was a teenager. It was not exactly the same thank-goodness. I’d like to think that’s because I have grown, matured and no matter how many circles I run in, they are never truly identical. Life changes and you along with it.

So I pushed through it as best I could in the hope that if I did I would come out better, stronger, happier…blah! It broke me.

My mind to which I am inextricable linked is far more powerful than me, myself and I.

Normally this type of depression would see me hospitalised. My faith it seems still is stronger than even my mind. So un-like in the past, while I at times dwelt upon it I did not try to take my life or add to the gallery of scars that mark my body.

It is a massive improvement.

I probably should have spoken to some-one but the mental services where I live are…welll…they are there in spirit. A GP is NOT qualified to know what I need in medication or give any kind of therapy.

The thought of long trips to the city and expensive psychiatric visits I can’t actually afford just increased my despair. I would find my way out, my way, and I have.

So The last few months have not been joyful. How I managed to even remember it was Christmas and get anything to anyone was a minor miracle but I did it.

While I am not inclined to the confessional booth and I have no intention to share nitty-gritty details, I am aware I cannot stay silent completely about the last four months.

I cannot re-emerge all la-de-dah with inspired intentions of hope and joyful creative bliss as if nothing has happened. Because something has happened and I am very changed for it.

I don’t know yet who I am completely in my new landscape. I’m still drawing my map and planning my route. I’m still processing what I’ve experienced, all that has been said and how I will choose to re-form that into who I want to be.

In no way have I done the right thing. Depression is serious and it does kill. It has nearly killed me in the past. My journey the last 3 months has been a fool’s path and I’m just very lucky very lucky. Your first course of action should always be a doctor.

…Says the hypocrite…

But…quite seriously, when you find yourself swimming alone in an ocean of despair the greater likely- hood is you’ll drown if you try to make it to shore yourself. You need help. Β  I have had many years of help and advice, I also have a partner who is a rock of support and I know myself well. It makes me more prone to being idiotic because even with all I know I was still out for the count and useless.

My point is one should not let themselves get that far to begin with.

*end lecture*

So The next few blogs will be centred on the last 4 months. I think I owe it to some to explain how I managed to get back to being okay and why I wasn’t okay. I feel too that it needs to be said. A bit more honesty and little less Miss Sunshine. πŸ˜€Β Also I don’t have the resources to get the help I need. I don’t have the money or the services. I know I can’t be alone in that. So at best it is consolation to others they are not alone, there is hope and if you’re able to, to get help or support. *cheesy grin*

It is idiotic to act like no-one is reading. You are. So it needs to be said this is not for attention or to loudly cry “”Ohhh poor me!!” But to hopefully, responsibly; plot a course through poetry and my thoughts, of circumstance, response, action and growth for learning to be a whole individual.

The first step is feeling. Venting if you will, so it’s all on table as it were to sort through.

…Because more importantly than readers, subscribers (I do appreciate you all, hence my long-winded explanation) and blogs…For myself.

I need to leave sign posts of where I’ve been so that as I continue to travel the maze of life, should I find myself accidentally turned around I will know where to go, what to do and give myself the strength in hope to make it back on track again.

There will be arty -farty, just for fun things in-between. πŸ™‚ I have started an art journal on Twitter. If you would like to follow along you can click on the link below. πŸ™‚

Tikarma on Twitter

At the moment I’ve just been getting used to Twitter but in the next few days you can almost literallyΒ (but not in real-time)Β  sit with me as I paint or draw.Β  I’m starting back slowly, in a way that works for me. What matters is that I’m moving, thinking, creating and beginning to live again.Β πŸ˜€

If you’ve made it to the end, thank you.

My best wishes to you all for a blessed week to come.

Tikarma

xxxx

 

Illustration not used with permission but “borrowed” with best intentions. πŸ™‚

‘Ace of Swords’ by Tricia Newell for The Mythic Tarot created by Juilet Sharman-Burke and Liz Greene

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14 thoughts on “Part One: Feeling

  1. It is true that we all experience some form of depression at one time or another. I suspect this, and your way with words, is why this piece struck a chord within me. I know a little about manic depression (very little) and count myself fortunate that I do not struggle with this. Unfortunately, I have little personal experience to enable me to reach out to someone suffering from this crippling condition. For this reason, I will be happy to walk with you through this.

    I am glad that you have a supportive partner. I am sure there have been times when their warm embrace was critical to your survival. As one who lives on the opposite side of the world from you, all I can do is listen… and learn. I feel certain that there will be times when words may elude me or seem inadequate. In those times, I may simply click the “Like” button to let you know that I am still following, and hope that your partner is giving you the hugs that would be more appropriate at such times.

    “There will be arty -farty, just for fun things in-between.”

    I certainly hope so! πŸ˜‰

    1. Hi Steve,
      Thank you so much for your kind comments. I do very much appreciate your reading and taking the time to share your thoughts.
      The main thing to remember is that I’m in a good place at this time. That’s why I’m able to do this and look back.
      I hope that the other blogs to come will help open a window of futher understanding for you.
      Being preapred to walk with someone through their journey is very much reaching out in the right way.
      I respect too that finding words are hard, even for myself sometimes. That’s why I personally like the “like” button. Sometimes words fail you and seem inadequte.
      I would be lost without my husband. He’s provded a solid platform for me in the form of stability and a secure foundation. It has been vital for my overall health. And yes he always has hugs ready! πŸ™‚

      Art is part of what keeps me going. We all need a calmer space or deep breath in-between life’s challenges or tough blogs. πŸ˜€

      Thank you so much again.
      Tikarma. xx

  2. Hi Tikarma,

    It’s so good to see you climbing uphill after the last few months.

    Your poem is such a real life reflection and a brave one to put here.

    I felt quite queasy as I read this poem as it described myself exactly when I reflect back on my own experiences of depression. Sadly my first bout did involve an attempt on my ownown life and so many of your words here describe exactly what I went through.
    My second bout which hospitalised me for three months, I am now convinced was MS related though I hadnt been diagnosed at that time. . But what I have read about the connection between MS and depression leaves me without much doubt as to its cause.

    I do hope your current writing helps you in your recovery.

    You made me smile with your reference to “i’m fine”. Been there done that one. And sometimes saying that actually helps me but there are those times of imminent depresion whete we need to be honest and get the much needed help.

    Love and big (((HUGS)))

    Christine xx

    1. Hi Christine,
      Thank you so much for taking time out to read and share. I genuinely appreciate it.

      ((hugs)) It is hard to look back, so many memories and feelings float to surface. So I really appreciate your bravery to sit here in my blog with me and look back.
      I hope the following blogs won’t be so painful if you choose to read them.
      I wouldn’t be surprised at all if your MS was to blame for the second bout of depression. I know for me the hormonal changes (which apprently don’t exisit) of my hysterectomy are what caused this most recent fall for me.
      It takes time for illness to manifest itself and I guess for you the depression was the first sign of your MS. ((hugs))

      I think the writing will help me. It will give me a solid foundation to move on from. Maybe it’s a bit arrogent, I don’t know. But it’s what I have to share in experiance and I’d to think my experiances have some use for not just myself but possibly someone else too. *cheesy grin*

      Like yourself the “I’m fine” routine more often than not is a help and being Miss Sunshine has rubbed off and is certainly better than being Miss Misery. πŸ™‚ …But yes, soemtimes you have to be more honest and for myself right now I honestly couldn’t write anything else. Therefore I’m forced to take my own advice of not bottling it up and just get it out so I can get back to being “Fine” πŸ˜€

      Thank you again so much. Your strength and courage gives me strength and courage.
      With much love and
      (((BIG HUGS)))
      Tikarma
      xoxoxo

  3. Hi Tikarma,

    I wondered about pressing the ‘like’ button but then decided I would. Not so much because I liked the content of your poem (like seems an inappropriate word) but because these sort of poems need to be written and put out there in the hope they will reach someone who is suffering and needs to know that they are not alone.

    The thing which really hit home to me about the poem was the level of self-flaggellation (I hope I spelled that right!) because this and the accompanying undeserved self-guilt which goes with it is so much a feature of this sort of depression.

    The word depression gets bandied about nowadays with no real understanding of what it really means (I have been known to tell clients – ‘you are not depressed, what you are is pissed off!’

    As you know I have a number of very good friend who suffer from manic depression. I intend to send them a link to this blog – they will certainly be able to relate.

    (Manic depression is such a better term to describe this illness than the politically correct bi-polar we are all supposed to use nowadays!!)

    I would love to follow you on Twitter but I fear you are ahead of me in the use of technology!!! πŸ™‚

    My love to both you and Jamie – Look after yourselves

    Arohanui
    (((BSH)))
    and K’sOTC πŸ™‚
    David
    xoxox

    1. Hi David,

      Thanks so much for taking the time out to read and share your thoughts. I really do appreciate it.

      The like button is inadeqautely named. I tend to look at it as the

      “Like it!, nice, great, beautiful, wonderful, excellent, WOW!, I support you friend, lost for words, liked your blog but not brave enough to leave a comment, interested in this topic but not versed enough to comment, appreciated your opinions but not wating a disscussion”
      button. πŸ˜€

      After that mouth full. πŸ™‚
      I’m really glad you feel these kinds of poems are worth putting out there. As I said to Christine it’s all the experiance I have to share really and it would be nice to think it can bring some consolation to someone else who is suffering with depression too or give some one else an understanding that it’s not just being an anti-social misery for the sake of it.

      You almost had it. Just one ‘g’ in flagellation (she says after looking it up in the dictionary. *cheeky grin* )
      The only answer I found to why there’s so much of it and guilt…Is because a part of you still has a sense of something being not right. Whether a manic surge or depressive fall. You know somewhere in yourself you’re being irrational, paranoid, impulsive but you can’t stop yourself. It’s like the rollercoaster ride you regret taking, but once it took off all you could do was hold on and hope it ends soon.
      While it’s silly to have regret for a carnival ride. It’s euqally silly to have guilt for something out of your control and yet you feel you should’ve known better, and the flagellation follows…

      I hope that made sense?

      I hope too that your friends are able to get something from this blog and I’m humbled that you feel it is worth sharing with them.

      I totally agree with you regarding the new PC terms for manic depression. I don’t find the old word awful or discrimminating at all. I dislike the vaguness of terms that is becomming popular. All I think it does is create more mis-understanding, which is not what people need.
      I’ll be sticking with the less PC terms. πŸ™‚

      As for Twitter. I never thought I’d have a use for it. It’s more motivation for me than anything else. I’ll still be sharing what I do on FB and here as well. I do believe though you can view the photos without being logged into Twitter. So if curiosity gets the better of you before a blog comes out you can always have peek. πŸ™‚

      Thank you very much again. Your support means a great deal.
      Sending much love your way
      Take good care and stay well rugged up!
      Arohanui
      (((BSH)))
      and K’sOTC πŸ™‚
      Tikarma
      xoxoxox

  4. The poem feels really expressive and in a way mesmerizing.
    I am glad that you are in a better place now and take the time to share and consider that it might help someone else, and at the same time also help yourself by becoming clearer on how to manage those roller coaster rides, – you are doing well!
    I am lost with Twitter too, but I am happy that it helps your motivation!
    I wish you a nice weekend!
    with Love β™₯ + (((Hug)))

    mum & Yeva

    1. Hi Mum,
      Thank you very much for taking time out to read and share your thoughts. I do appreciate it.
      Thank you too for your kind words. I’m happy to be in a better place now too. πŸ™‚
      It’s a strange thing possibly because I’ m not someone who can talk about these things while I’m going through them. I need to be in good place, then reflecting can be something ultimately positive, hopefully.
      Thanks for the vote of confidence that I’m doing well. πŸ™‚
      As for Twitter I will still post normal updates, so no-one will be missing out. πŸ™‚
      I hope you have a good weekend too and enjoy some of the rain we’re having.
      (((BIG HUGS)))
      With lots of love
      Tikarma
      Xxxxx

  5. Hi Tikarma!

    What can I say, but this piece has to be the most important thing you have ever written! This is bigger than what you have gone through and how it has affected you. This blog has so much potential to help anyone who is suffering from depression and to help those around them uderstand what they are going through!

    The poem is truely wonderful! It is depression! It is the feeling and the heart of it! In reading it we expirience it! It is a truely wonderful piece of writing that takes you on the journy as only you can.

    The impression os just as important. It is the bones of it all. The meat and three veg of depression. It is the roadmap of your journey. The breadcrumb trail you have left for others to follow. Your torch for them to follow.

    I can go on forever how important this is for others. But I am also allowed to be selfish and say the most important thing is that you made it out and are here with me πŸ™‚

    I know it will always be a life struggle, but I will always be by your side as you walk this path.

    Thank you for sharing this.

    With all the love in my heart, always and forever,

    Jamie

    xxz

    1. Hi Jamie,
      Thank you so much for your kind words. For all your support too. It only takes one person to make a difference and you’ve made such a difference in my life with your acceptance and preapredness to help and support in whatever ways you are able.
      I have a better life for it. πŸ™‚
      I can only hope it will help someone else out there to know they are not alone.
      For us it clears the deck and allows us to let go and truly move forward after the last bracing few years.
      I can’t say poems about depression won’t surface in the future, it is as you say a life struggle but this series is certainly a one time only.
      I’m glad you felt the poem did justice to depression and its effects on a person.
      I’m also very glad as well to come out the other end. I’m very grateful I had your hand to hold through it all. πŸ™‚
      Hopefully now the future will be brighter for us both and we can continue on knowing nothing can break us completely and we both have the strength to endure whatever life feels we need to experiance.
      Thank you for reading. I know it’s a strange position to be in having actually been there with me.

      Your always in love
      Tikarma ❀
      xoxoxo

  6. With a tear, I whole heart-idly agree with the previous comments, and have deleted what i want to write so many times.. As i cannot put it into words.
    Just thankyou for sharing..

    1. Hi Kym,
      It’s always a special thing to have you visit my blog. (((Big Hugs))) I know there is so much of this you relate to. Sharing pain isn’t easy, but we are all stronger for it I feel. πŸ™‚
      Thank you for reading and for your comment. I’m lucky to have such a good friend in you. πŸ™‚
      (((Big Hugs)))
      Tikarma
      xoxox

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