Part 2.1: Perception

Hi Everyone,

My apologies this blog is a little late. You can’t rush glue drying. 🙂 This weeks blog is part two of my personal exploration with my depression. The impression below the painting is as always optional. I hope if you choose to stay you’ll gain something from this blog.

Wishing you all a blessed week ahead Tikarma. xxxx

 

Eternal Promise

 ‘Eternal Promise’

(please click image for a larger view)

Part 2.1 Perception

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 In a world of beauty

Where the sun shines for her alone.

Butterflies dart about in greeting

Flowers bloom just to please her.

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 Full of smiles

Optimism personified

Nothing is impossible

Dreams come to life

To embrace her.

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Feeling the flow of life

Feeling wonder at every turn

Feeling the joy and energy

Of promises eternal…

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Poem Part 2.1 Percetion © 2013 Tikarma Vodicka

Painting ‘Eternal Promise’ © 2013 Tikarma Vodicka. All rights reserved.

 

Poetical Impressions: Part 2.1: Perception. Monday/Tuesday 14/15th January 2013

Last week I began a journey with my depression. That was Feelings. The space of raw despair in depression. This week and for the next few weeks it will be perception.

In thinking over and writing and re-writing my blog in my head, I reached a point of blah! The subject of perceptions is an important one but it is also a philosophical minefield I wasn’t winning. I couldn’t adequately express myself. I kept de-railing on tangents which were important to the whole but which ultimately led to writing a book.

I don’t want to write a book. I don’t want to dictate or appear to be dictating to others what is and isn’t when it comes to depression. I’m no expert and I only know what my manic-depression is for me.

Images came to visit. Describing the states of changing perception. I decided, at the last-minute of course (so far as painting is concerned) to do that instead.

Images and what they mean for me in the story I’m trying to tell.

In thinking on my journey and perception I couldn’t dismiss the state of mania. It also is a good place to start.

My journey actually started 5 1/2 years ago with the still-birth of my son. I don’t think I need to go into what that does to a person. 6 months later I was diagnosed with late stage abnormalities in my cervix. This would lead to 4 1/2 years of increasing bad health and surgery after surgery which led eventually to my hysterectomy to remove early stage cervical cancer. While I’ve been very fortunate in early diagnosis and having surgery as an option. It has still turned my world upside down. Distorted my perceptions of who I am; as a women and wife and my role and purpose in life now not being able to have children at all.

My art and poetry have become important to me in a therapeutic way as well as a path of purpose in life.

During most of this time mania sustained me and is what I clung to in my final decent back into deep depression.

The image above ‘Eternal Promise’ and its poem is a reflection of what mania is for me. Or what it feels like.

When I’m in a manic state I have energy in plenty. I don’t need much sleep. The world is my oyster and everything seems within reach. I’m full of plans and ideas. Sometimes I’m just full of it. 😀  I walk with confidence almost as if I own the world. There is a certain type of arrogance that goes with mania. I am busy, I have things to do, get out of my way! The world and everyone in it seems to move far too slowly for me. I can justify my impatience, my annoyance with people and the world. I can also justify why I don’t need much sleep why I am an exception to good sense.

I keep a handle on it by adhering to a very strict routine. Things happen at certain times. Not before or after. It allows me a constant self-regulation. If something hasn’t happened I can ask why. Was it because I had visitors, a long phone call? An unexpected conversation or because I couldn’t be bothered? Why couldn’t I be bothered?

It’s not fool-proof. I also need Jamie to let me know when I go off track. To take a deep breath because I’m rattling on a million miles an hour at high volume with arms waving. Even in my enthusiasm I can slip.

Perception is funny that way. You normalise things so quickly that you don’t notice the subtle shift that sees you acting all rabid and then justifying it because it’s important. IT IS! 😀

So I have my checks and balances. I need to know as much as possible in advance, what I’ll be doing, otherwise I just fall off the wagon. I need the constant self assessment.

There are things though that can throw me. People turning up unexpected, things happening without warning. Major surgery.

The mania that sustained me through all the headache of my hysterectomy collapsed with surgery, hospital and pain killers. It took two weeks but because I was numbed from pain killers and grounded to watching t.v. and sleeping I didn’t notice the subtle changes taking place in my mind. My routine hadn’t just changed. It didn’t have  routine at all!  Once I no longer need pain-killers it all hit me with a bang and whole lot of tears.

Mania though is a tricky state of being because it isn’t all bad. My productivity and creativity is at a high. I get a lot  done and balance life very well. Mania is a fine balance. Just enough of the good, but not too much. 🙂 It’s a good place and that’s half the difficulty.  Not letting yourself float away with the clouds. It feels almost too good, addictive even. That’s where I slip into very bad habits.

But until next week I’m happy to re-embrace the joy of every good thing and sit awhile with stars and butterflies. 🙂

If you’ve made it to the end of this. Thank you for reading.

Tikarma. xxxx

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10 thoughts on “Part 2.1: Perception

  1. Tikarma, when I first saw the painting I immediately knew why the stars were concentrated in one spot of your anatomy. I knew because I follow you and know what you have been through, especially recently with your hysterectomy. The poem is the lovely perception of your persona, which the operation more or less destroyed. I am so happy you are working your way through your depression by your art and your poetry and your thoughts here in this blog. This is for the public to see and muse about. I know your private ways of dealing with the big D can be quite different. You seem to have a very loving husband who understand as much as another person can understand and is in your corner come what may, the good and the bad and he has enough confidence in you and himself that he can say things and advise you certain ways to help you through this total and wrathful ordeal you find yourself in. You are a fighter. Keep fighting.

    1. Hi Jerry,
      Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and your kind words.
      I am indeed a fighter and if there’s one thing I have in abundance it’s the strngth to endure. I know, no matter what life brings my way I will come out the other end better, stronger and hopefully a little wiser. 🙂
      Thank you too for your support with my sharing. This process is helping me clear the decks for a fresh start. 🙂
      Yes there is a lot of editing going on. I won’t share details. There is a reason why we have doors and blind and curtains.
      Also something like this…It’s up to the individual to make the changes. No-one can do that for them. They have to find a way through and the way that works for themselves I can’t tell people what to do. So I suppose I’m just sharing the basic foundations.
      As some-one wrting too, I believe I have a responbility to those reading. Part of that is not to traumatise others or leave them feeling helpless. So the construction of reflecting back has to be edited.
      I do indeed have a very loving husband. I’m still amazed he hasn’t run away. At the same time I’m also very grateful he has stood by my side.
      I hope you remain well?
      Thank you again my friend
      Tikarma
      xxxx

  2. Im sorry this isnt much of an informative comment, but i always love what you write, and im glad you are so open, and a fighter. And im also very glad to know you. Your path even tho sometimes sad that you have travelled has shaped you to the woman we love knowing as a friend.

    1. Hi Kym,
      Thanks so much for your very kind comments. No need to apologise at all. You write what you feel you want to write. I’m just touched you came to my blog. 🙂
      I’m glad you do get something from all of what I do. I’ve always been terrible at keeping my mouth shut. *lol* 🙂 So I’m glad it can lift someone up as much as it can provide a space where they can relate or not feel so alone.
      I do believe adversity shapes us. I know too you’ve been through your fair share of sadness. I’m grateful I’ve come to know you and I’m very proud to call you Mike friends. 🙂
      (((Big Hugs)))
      Tikarma
      xoxoxo

  3. Hi Tikarma,

    First the painting and the poem –
    Either on their own would make me smile.
    Together they are just a delight 🙂

    Now the impressions –

    As for your last blog on depression I commend you on your description of what mania feels like and how it manifests in your life. You have captured very accurately what it is all about.

    But I want to comment particularly on two things –

    “My art and poetry have become important to me in a therapeutic way as well as a path of purpose in life.”

    Abso-bloody-lutely!!!! 🙂

    I have a friend, also a sufferer. She makes jewellry, mostly by recycling materials. I have on my left wrist a bracelet which she made from a coffee shop menu which we picked up when she accompanied me to the hospital for a scan.

    Her journey into creativity via making jewellry over the past number of years has been enormously therapeutic for her. Still is!!
    When she deviates from that therapeutic aspect – for example at the back end of last year when she was doing a lot of stalls at craft fairs – then the therapeutic aspect is lost and she suffers for it.
    But like you she monitors herself and these things can be remedied.

    I do believe that creativity is a spiritual activity!! 🙂

    Secondly –

    “I also need Jamie to let me know when I go off track. ”

    Abso-bloody-lutely again!! 🙂

    We all need that person in our life who we trust implicitly that they have our best interests at heart.
    And we do need to listen to them!!! 🙂

    You are blessed to have that person as your husband.

    Give him my love please.

    Arohanui
    (((BSH)))
    and K’sOTC 🙂
    David
    xoxox

    1. Hi David,
      Thank you so much for your most wonderful comments. It’s always good to be able to smile first thing in the morning. 🙂

      I’m really glad you liked the painting and it’s poem. 🙂

      I did think if I wrote these blogs in a high state of mania or an abyss of depression they would be very different! This is something I can only do because I’m roughly somewhere in the middle at the moment. 🙂 I’m glad you feel that my decription is accurate. It’s always a bit tricky trying to determine if how you describe yourself is actually as you appear. 🙂

      You are so lucky to be surrounded by such creative friends! I can only completely agree with what you’ve written.
      I do think that creativity is a spritual practice, but also a channel into which behaviours and thoughts can be put where they are neutralised.
      I think that’s half of why you fall off the wagon when you can’t be creative. You’ve lost your outlet and moderater that helps with self assesment.
      I actually feel very blessed that manic-depression is an illness that if not in the extremes can be self-regulated effectively. Others are not so lucky.

      As for Jamie. Again I completely agree with what you’ve written. I’m very blessed and grateful to have him in my life. Apart from love it is a wonderful thing to have some-one in your life who does see the the greater potential in you and is some-one you can trust.
      He’s a good moderator himself as he reminds me I don’t know everything. 🙂 and that’s okay. 🙂
      I will pass on your love to him. 🙂

      Thankyou so much again. Your sharing has been most affirming for me. 🙂

      Arohanui
      (((BSH)))
      and K’sOTC 🙂
      Tikarma
      xoxoxo

  4. Hi Tikarma,

    Thank you for this wonderful insight into your life, and the mania you experience as part of the condition you suffer.

    Both the picture (which can also easily stand alone beautifully in its own right) and your words have given me a much clearer idea of how it is for you. I suffer from depression from time to time, but not the sort you have to deal with. So I really know nothing bout it. But you have simplified it here. The closest I have come to how you describe your periods of mania are when I am given a massive intensive dose of steroids for MS flare ups. You describe here exactly how that makes e feel, so maybe I can empathise just in a small way.

    This is a lovely post and thank you for sharing it.

    Love and
    (((BIG HUGS)))
    Christine xx

    1. Hi Christine,
      Thank you for your lovely comments. I do very much appreciate your taking the time to read and share your thoughts.

      I’m touched you feel the picture could stand alone in its own right. It will very soon belong to a series. Maybe if I’d planned this better…LOL. Trust me to change my mind part way through.
      I’m also very glad that you felt my description was easy to understand and consequently to relate to.
      Often times we experiance things in parallel. It may not be exactly the same thing but as you said it gives us an empathy to relate to others and maybe understand them a bit more.
      I know for myself through your talking about your MS. While I may never know exactly what it’s like I can emapthise a little with having a life condition that at times you wish you didn’t have to struggle with.

      I hope you are going alright and feeling okay within yourself.
      Thank you very much again.
      with much love and
      ((((BIG HUGS))))
      Tikarma
      xoxoxox

  5. Hi Tikarma,

    Once again a beautiful blog on mental health and how it has affected you. Both the painting and poem give a great insight to perception and mania. They both bring it into the personal. It takes us on your journey. It brings us into your world. Both in a beautiful and moving way.

    The impressions to me is more about your journey. It is the journey you have taken, but hopefully the breadcrumb trail you have left is one that some troubled soul can come accross and help them find their way home.

    The duality of the depression and mania is a double edged sword, but it gives me great joy that you can use the energy of your mania to great ends and creative productivity. I’m just glad that you feel that I can help you find that balance when you need it. I will always be alongside you on your journey 🙂

    I thank you for sharing both your journey and insights, and pray that someone that needs it happens to come accross it.

    With all the love in my heart, always and forever yours,

    Jamie

    xxx

    1. Hi Jamie,
      Thank you for your comments and support. I can only hope that this extension of myself is able to help someone else.

      I’m very greatful for the creative highs. It is as you say a double edged sword. These breadcrumbs hopefully will be there for me too. Clarity for myself when life gets hay wire. 🙂 And a post-script for us that we survived! ((hugs))
      I truly couldn’t do this without your patience, support and encouragement. You are a good man for so many reasons!

      Yours always in love
      Tikarma

      xoxoxxo

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