My apologies this blog is a little late. You can’t rush glue drying. 🙂 This weeks blog is part two of my personal exploration with my depression. The impression below the painting is as always optional. I hope if you choose to stay you’ll gain something from this blog.
Wishing you all a blessed week ahead Tikarma. xxxx
(please click image for a larger view)
Part 2.1 Perception
In a world of beauty
Where the sun shines for her alone.
Butterflies dart about in greeting
Flowers bloom just to please her.
Full of smiles
Nothing is impossible
Dreams come to life
To embrace her.
Feeling the flow of life
Feeling wonder at every turn
Feeling the joy and energy
Of promises eternal…
Poem Part 2.1 Percetion © 2013 Tikarma Vodicka
Painting ‘Eternal Promise’ © 2013 Tikarma Vodicka. All rights reserved.
Poetical Impressions: Part 2.1: Perception. Monday/Tuesday 14/15th January 2013
Last week I began a journey with my depression. That was Feelings. The space of raw despair in depression. This week and for the next few weeks it will be perception.
In thinking over and writing and re-writing my blog in my head, I reached a point of blah! The subject of perceptions is an important one but it is also a philosophical minefield I wasn’t winning. I couldn’t adequately express myself. I kept de-railing on tangents which were important to the whole but which ultimately led to writing a book.
I don’t want to write a book. I don’t want to dictate or appear to be dictating to others what is and isn’t when it comes to depression. I’m no expert and I only know what my manic-depression is for me.
Images came to visit. Describing the states of changing perception. I decided, at the last-minute of course (so far as painting is concerned) to do that instead.
Images and what they mean for me in the story I’m trying to tell.
In thinking on my journey and perception I couldn’t dismiss the state of mania. It also is a good place to start.
My journey actually started 5 1/2 years ago with the still-birth of my son. I don’t think I need to go into what that does to a person. 6 months later I was diagnosed with late stage abnormalities in my cervix. This would lead to 4 1/2 years of increasing bad health and surgery after surgery which led eventually to my hysterectomy to remove early stage cervical cancer. While I’ve been very fortunate in early diagnosis and having surgery as an option. It has still turned my world upside down. Distorted my perceptions of who I am; as a women and wife and my role and purpose in life now not being able to have children at all.
My art and poetry have become important to me in a therapeutic way as well as a path of purpose in life.
During most of this time mania sustained me and is what I clung to in my final decent back into deep depression.
The image above ‘Eternal Promise’ and its poem is a reflection of what mania is for me. Or what it feels like.
When I’m in a manic state I have energy in plenty. I don’t need much sleep. The world is my oyster and everything seems within reach. I’m full of plans and ideas. Sometimes I’m just full of it. 😀 I walk with confidence almost as if I own the world. There is a certain type of arrogance that goes with mania. I am busy, I have things to do, get out of my way! The world and everyone in it seems to move far too slowly for me. I can justify my impatience, my annoyance with people and the world. I can also justify why I don’t need much sleep why I am an exception to good sense.
I keep a handle on it by adhering to a very strict routine. Things happen at certain times. Not before or after. It allows me a constant self-regulation. If something hasn’t happened I can ask why. Was it because I had visitors, a long phone call? An unexpected conversation or because I couldn’t be bothered? Why couldn’t I be bothered?
It’s not fool-proof. I also need Jamie to let me know when I go off track. To take a deep breath because I’m rattling on a million miles an hour at high volume with arms waving. Even in my enthusiasm I can slip.
Perception is funny that way. You normalise things so quickly that you don’t notice the subtle shift that sees you acting all rabid and then justifying it because it’s important. IT IS! 😀
So I have my checks and balances. I need to know as much as possible in advance, what I’ll be doing, otherwise I just fall off the wagon. I need the constant self assessment.
There are things though that can throw me. People turning up unexpected, things happening without warning. Major surgery.
The mania that sustained me through all the headache of my hysterectomy collapsed with surgery, hospital and pain killers. It took two weeks but because I was numbed from pain killers and grounded to watching t.v. and sleeping I didn’t notice the subtle changes taking place in my mind. My routine hadn’t just changed. It didn’t have routine at all! Once I no longer need pain-killers it all hit me with a bang and whole lot of tears.
Mania though is a tricky state of being because it isn’t all bad. My productivity and creativity is at a high. I get a lot done and balance life very well. Mania is a fine balance. Just enough of the good, but not too much. 🙂 It’s a good place and that’s half the difficulty. Not letting yourself float away with the clouds. It feels almost too good, addictive even. That’s where I slip into very bad habits.
But until next week I’m happy to re-embrace the joy of every good thing and sit awhile with stars and butterflies. 🙂
If you’ve made it to the end of this. Thank you for reading.